The countdown began last July 27th, my 49th birthday. My mind was racing... Wow... 365 days till 50. Mm... That’s a big number. I can’t believe it, me 50? Where did my life go? When did my kids grow up? I’ve been a Psychotherapist for 25 years! My AARP card is coming... The theme from Jaws played in my head.
I looked in the mirror and thought—Who is that woman renting my face?... That worn, tired-looking face, ravaged by the stress of 17 years of running hard and trying to do it all: raise the kids, be a loving wife, mother and daughter, organize the family schedule, cook, shop, take care of the house, earn a living, build our business, care for clients, save relationships and marriages….
And then, the woman in the mirror spoke, “Lori, you have been doing and giving and running for the last two decades, and you have forgotten someone very important—yourself.” I laughed and felt my cynicism rising to the fore. “Myself?” I said, “But you don’t understand! I don’t have time for myself. I am a mother, a wife, a daughter and a therapist. My job is to take care of others. Besides I don’t deserve to have more. I would feel too guilty.” Looking confused, the woman in the mirror said, “Guilty? I don’t understand.” I explained, “I have held on to this feeling of having struggled all my life. My family experienced tremendous losses, the last of which was my amazing younger sister, Harriet. She died of cancer after a brave battle at the tender age of 31. So you see how can I give more to myself and live a life of abundance when her life was cut short?”
Keep trying, even when others tell you it can’t be done… Courage is not doing something without fear; Courage is being afraid but doing it anyway. Don’t give up your hope, and don't give up your dreams. Share all of life’s joy; you’ll rarely be alone.”Harriet Jane Wilder |
The woman in the mirror said, “What did your sister teach you?” I replied, “She taught me how important friends are. She had so many close friendships.” The woman asked, “Have you honored her by investing in your own friendships?” I replied, “No, I haven’t made much time for friends.” Then she asked, “What else did Harriet teach you?” “She taught me to love myself and others and to enjoy each day, to dance as if no one was watching because none of us know how long we will be here.” The woman in the mirror said, “Have you honored her by caring for yourself, living your life to the fullest and reaching for abundance?” Before I could answer… she disappeared.
All of a sudden a light bulb went on. (Yes, therapists still work on their own personal growth!) I realized I would be honoring my sister to reach for my stars, enjoy life, let go of struggling, take better care of myself and invest more energy into my friendships. Harriet’s essence was closer to me than ever.
I decided to take a day off of work to slow down, take a breath and reflect. It made me realize how fast I was running all the time… Running from what, you say? What came to mind was FEAR… fear of LOSS. Half of my life (some would say more than half) is over. The kids are getting ready to launch. My parents are aging. How will I age? I faced my fears that day two months ago and after I cried, I recalled what I tell clients: we can’t choose to live without fear, but we can choose how to respond to it. I made a choice to accept that the next decade and beyond was going to have its challenges AND (not, “but”) I was going to start a new chapter.
I first attended to brightening up my appearance—a facial (my first), new make-up, new clothes. When I looked in the mirror, the woman looking back said, “Not bad for someone about to turn 50.” People around me started saying, “Lori you look great, what are you doing differently?”
Okay… that was the easy part. Then I thought about life as an empty nester. After 18 years with kids coming first, it is a huge shift to focus back on your self. Instead of contemplating the loss, I put my attention on thinking about personal goals I had not yet accomplished. I made some significant career decisions focused on bringing abundance into my life and realized I could help others and help myself.
Choosing to devote more time to connecting with old friends and meeting new women has been the gift my sister wanted for me. My energy and spirit has been renewed by putting myself in places to meet many positive, inspirational women in the last two months.
Now, ladies, what are you going to choose to do in your fifties? Take a day off for yourself. It may change your life. When you feel your FEAR, remember this:
F ace it
E mbrace it
A ccept it
R each for your dreams
Harriet would be proud—I feel so grateful for her life and her memory. I hope she knows how much she continues to inspire me. And I hope her words will inspire you to reach for your dreams… The 50’s are going to be a wonderful decade!
