As a coach, I am blessed and privileged to have individuals share their life stories with me. When I hear these stories, I realize we all experience similar struggles and emotions in our lives. I am grateful for this knowledge because, as adults, we do not openly go around discussing our struggles and emotions.
Perhaps our unwillingness to discuss the limits of our knowledge comes from the self-image we create of adulthood as children. Consider this—as a child, did you view adults with awe and amazement? Adults appeared to know everything, have it all together, and be able to do whatever they wanted. What a great deal compared to childhood! You couldn’t wait until you were an adult! When you played, you would act grown up, driving your bike by the rules of the road and using the junk mail as “important business paperwork.” Yet, somehow as you got older things got more complicated, responsibility increased, and adulthood lost its shine. How could you admit you didn’t know the answers? Now you are the adult, and according to your self-image, adults have all the answers. Is your created image working for you? Are you struggling to find an answer when someone you know could have the answer you need?
This is an example of an outdated self-image created from a child’s perspective. We often operate from outdated self-images. What does that mean exactly? As children, teens, or adults, we develop images of ourselves from situations we experience and messages we receive from those around us. Once we develop these images, they become who we are. But what happens if the image no longer serves us?
For years, I carried around an outdated self-image. As a child, I like to say that I had 3 strikes against being “cool”—I was smart, fat, and wore glasses. As you can imagine, I was not particularly athletic and tried to make it through a day unnoticed. In high school, I participated in math competitions and drama productions. I boycotted gym by walking the one-mile fitness test and sitting down in the middle of the softball field. I felt self-conscious constantly and worried about what others were thinking of me. I made a concerted effort to be unobtrusive, not state my opinion, and keep my knowledge to myself. As Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.” And I gave my permission regularly.
In college, I decided I could reinvent myself at a huge university on a diverse campus where no one knew anything about me except what I showed them. I became more outspoken. I shared my knowledge. And I overhauled my attitude about fitness. I started exercising with weight lifting, began running, took up step aerobics, and somewhere along the way changed my eating habits. My change in attitude and behaviors improved my appearance, confidence and self-esteem.
What lagged in the change process was the image of myself that I carried in my mind. The image existed since kindergarten. Only in the past 2–3 years have I not felt like the fat, nerdy, shy, awkward kid in situations when I am unfamiliar, overwhelmed, or uncertain. Why has that old self-image been hard to change? It was safe, familiar, and inconspicuous. I knew how to act and how others would react to me.
Despite its safety, that image was undermining my personal and professional goals. Seeing myself as shy and awkward prevented me from networking successfully. Questioning my knowledge impaired my confidence and ability to speak like an expert in my field. Viewing myself as the unathletic, fat kid deflated my motivation to workout and eat well. As I realized these issues, I learned to identify my “old self” creeping in and replace that image with an up-to-date one that includes being strong, confident, outgoing, smart, and physically fit. I believe I have worked hard to change my attitude and appearance and deserve an updated image of who I am.
Conversations with my clients reveal that everyone seems to have an “old self.” Maybe it’s the comedian who tells jokes to cover up being nervous. Maybe it’s the bragger who tells great stories to make sure she looks good. Maybe it’s the perfectionist making sure everything is just right so she feels confident. Or, like at the beginning of the article, maybe it’s just being the adult with all the answers but feeling very uncertain.
Do you have an outdated self-image? Can you identify when that self-image shows itself? Is your old self-image hindering you from being your best? What can you do to change that? Updating your self-image to reflect who you are now supports you in acting as your true self and not as someone you used to be.
