Love thyself—sounds a little odd, I know. Usually, we think of giving and receiving love from others but not from ourselves. But, without loving ourselves, how much love do we really have to give? When we neglect ourselves, we become tired, angry, tense, frustrated, and unmotivated. Our ability to give to others decreases because our negative emotions get in the way. For example, we may find ourselves short-tempered with our family and friends over little things that usually do not bother us. Or, we may dwell on negative situations to the point of missing the joy and happiness in our life. In loving ourselves, I am not proposing sweepingly selfish actions that take hours of time. Instead, I suggest shifting our thinking to allow us to honor who we are.
What if we gave ourselves permission to be how we are? No arguing with ourselves about how we should feel, act, or think. If you are sad, be sad. If you are angry, be angry. Fighting our emotions keeps them unresolved and consumes energy and attention that could be used more effectively in other situations. Denying our feelings or ignoring our limitations can lead to feelings of inadequacy, self-criticism, and discouragement with our accomplishments. Allowing ourselves to be as we are also implies that we listen to our body’s signals. Too often, people try to work through illness, pushing themselves past their limit and denying their body the rest it needs to recover. In the end, they are sicker for a longer period of time, which decreases their ability to function to their fullest abilities in all aspects of life. By acknowledging where we are emotionally and physically in the present moment, we develop compassion for ourselves that will be extended to others.
Robert Penn Warren said, “What is love? One name for it is knowledge.” We can love ourselves by knowing our needs and values. Needs vary from person to person and can be situational. Some people need stability; others need appreciation. Unmet needs prevent us from being our best. For example, I have a need to be creative. Without a creative outlet, I become unhappy and restless. One way I meet my need for creativity is writing. When we know our needs, we can take action to meet them and clearly express our needs to others. Knowing our values is also an important part of loving ourselves. Values are core beliefs that direct how we act and the choices we make. When we know our values, we can make choices that honor who we are and increase our satisfaction and fulfillment. Beauty, service, and leadership are examples of values. Individuals express values differently. For instance, one person who values beauty may work in an art gallery while another person may participate in community improvement projects. Knowing our needs and values helps us develop a deeper understanding of ourselves and increases our ability to meet those needs and values. When we feel content, we are better able to give attention and love to those around us rather than expecting others to make our life complete. Yes, the process of identifying our needs and values requires time and thought. However, what we learn and how this knowledge impacts our life satisfaction can be profound.
Finally, creating time to pursue our interests is an expression of self-love. Often times, we believe we are too busy to do the things we enjoy such as reading a good book or eating dinner with friends. We push ourselves to complete an endless list of chores only to feel cheated and angry that we never got to do what we want to do. We create a roadblock to doing what we love with the excuse of not having enough time. We think big, believing that we need hours to fully engage in a fun activity. In thinking big, we overlook the small amounts of time we may have to enjoy something we love. Who says 15 minutes isn’t enough time to read a few pages of your favorite novel? Isn’t seeing a friend for a half hour over coffee better than not seeing them at all? Taking time, even small amounts of time, to do our favorite activities energizes us. We feel refreshed and satisfied knowing that our personal interests are just as important as washing the dishes or getting groceries.
In conclusion, loving yourself is not about being egocentric. It is about finding ways to care for ourselves with compassion, understanding, and time. In loving and honoring ourselves, we create love to share.
